How do I fix this?

For those who have them and those who want them. KIDS!!! They are amazing at every step... But they will break your heart just as quick. I don't mean on purpose, it's all apart of teaching them the steps of life they are to take.

These past 21 months with Big Dallas being gone have been a huge test on who I am as a wife/mother and the choices that I have made my whole life...

I remember when I was 15 and I was in a position I just felt that I had no control over. My parents sent me to my grandmothers in Virgina. Sure it got me away and I cleaned up , got a job and felt safer. But when it was time to come back to the reality of home life, I didn't think that I was going to make it. But , I did! I got a job and was doing better in school. Things seem to be going ok, then I met him. The one person that I ended up being thankful for. I know that getting pregnant at 16 isn't what every parent wants for their child, but atleast he was a good man.

Not knowing how to raise a child at that age was difficult. Now that I'm 36, and that baby is 19 isn't any easier. I can't express it enough that he is my joy and deep down inside me it is barried. The last 7 years has been very hard, when he stopped listening to me and started listening to his girlfriend or buddies. That joy you once felt is barried under all that anger and resentment.

I don't know how to fix this...

I have talked, threatened and cried till I have just gotten to the point that all those things are not there anymore. I realize that being a single parent is really hard for most people. It certainly has been for me. But also being a married single parent is worse. Cause you have some support from your spouse, but not all support. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way it goes.

So now that Lil' D has experience heartbreak, joblessness and pretty much dumb decisions, How do I help him get back up on his feet. Which actually he hasn't been able to stand alone for long in his life. He just refuses to do so, cause he won't challenge himself. He thinks he's a follower more than a leader. Hmmm....

I know that he didn't get that from me....

Actually he did. BUT , I learned that you can't rely on you family or friends for everything. Everybody has their own problems, much less have to deal with yours.

I guess that's been a really big issue for me. I've been told that keeping my baby and getting married , moving to the other side of the country was my choice and I have to learn to deal with the consequences. True, but what happen to family. Oh I forgot, never really had a functional one, atleast one that I can't use as good examples for times likes these. Yes I may sound angry, and on most days I AM! But hey it was my decision RIGHT?

Well I still haven't figured out how to fix it. If you haven't already noticed by my blog, I'm all over the place . Imagine living in my head. It's crazy. I have all these feelings and I can't get them in order, because I, well because I just can't.

How do I fix this....?