How do I fix this?

For those who have them and those who want them. KIDS!!! They are amazing at every step... But they will break your heart just as quick. I don't mean on purpose, it's all apart of teaching them the steps of life they are to take.

These past 21 months with Big Dallas being gone have been a huge test on who I am as a wife/mother and the choices that I have made my whole life...

I remember when I was 15 and I was in a position I just felt that I had no control over. My parents sent me to my grandmothers in Virgina. Sure it got me away and I cleaned up , got a job and felt safer. But when it was time to come back to the reality of home life, I didn't think that I was going to make it. But , I did! I got a job and was doing better in school. Things seem to be going ok, then I met him. The one person that I ended up being thankful for. I know that getting pregnant at 16 isn't what every parent wants for their child, but atleast he was a good man.

Not knowing how to raise a child at that age was difficult. Now that I'm 36, and that baby is 19 isn't any easier. I can't express it enough that he is my joy and deep down inside me it is barried. The last 7 years has been very hard, when he stopped listening to me and started listening to his girlfriend or buddies. That joy you once felt is barried under all that anger and resentment.

I don't know how to fix this...

I have talked, threatened and cried till I have just gotten to the point that all those things are not there anymore. I realize that being a single parent is really hard for most people. It certainly has been for me. But also being a married single parent is worse. Cause you have some support from your spouse, but not all support. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way it goes.

So now that Lil' D has experience heartbreak, joblessness and pretty much dumb decisions, How do I help him get back up on his feet. Which actually he hasn't been able to stand alone for long in his life. He just refuses to do so, cause he won't challenge himself. He thinks he's a follower more than a leader. Hmmm....

I know that he didn't get that from me....

Actually he did. BUT , I learned that you can't rely on you family or friends for everything. Everybody has their own problems, much less have to deal with yours.

I guess that's been a really big issue for me. I've been told that keeping my baby and getting married , moving to the other side of the country was my choice and I have to learn to deal with the consequences. True, but what happen to family. Oh I forgot, never really had a functional one, atleast one that I can't use as good examples for times likes these. Yes I may sound angry, and on most days I AM! But hey it was my decision RIGHT?

Well I still haven't figured out how to fix it. If you haven't already noticed by my blog, I'm all over the place . Imagine living in my head. It's crazy. I have all these feelings and I can't get them in order, because I, well because I just can't.

How do I fix this....?

All I heard today...

All I 've heard today is people bitching about things. Man it's amazing that when a customer walks by and starts up, that they speak loud enough to where you know that they are doing that, cause you are sitting right there.

It's also bad enough when you have to hear it from the employee's, especially the ones that are never happy. They always have something wrong with them.

Why can't people be happy. Atleast put a smile on and say hi. It sure would make me feel better.

Today was suppose to be the day...

What I mean is that little Dallas was suppose to leave for the Navy today. Last year he decided that he would join and was very excited about it. But , something happened along the way and he changed his mind.

Now that he is living in the city and working 40 hours a week, paying his own bills, all for the first time in his life makes me think that just maybe he will be fine. He's even talking about taking classes in the Fall!!! Woooo Hoooooo!!

It's hard, everyday that I think of him being up there and not depending on me like he did for 18 years... ;) I just have to keep the faith that he is going to be just fine. Yes I worry, it's a terrible family trait. My mother worries all the time. Kids are different and when Dallas puts his mind to what he wants, he's going to do it. He really is a lot like his dad.

The house is more quiet now. Abbi and Christian are always gone to friends houses or something. I realized the other day that it's going to happen soon. What i mean is that they are all going to be gone and it's going to be me and these dumb dogs...

No really when that day comes I just hope that my dear and wonderful husband will be prepared to find new adventures, cause we are going to need them. Maybe get us some dance lessons, or I can learn how to golf. Or maybe just lay out on the beaches of Pensacola . I don't know, it just seems so weird to be even thinking about it. I just want this next year to go by fast so that my honey can come home and be the husband that I need. I really do miss him.

So to end these thoughts for the day... I must say we are going to be just fine.

WOW how time flies

This is going to be fun. I have many times in my life tried to write. But as I have always worked with my hands, they have trouble holding a pen or pencil for long periods of time.

So when my husband Dallas started to blog, and now my dear friend Lori Craig... I thought "hey this may work for me"... So here we go.


June 08


This past year and a half started of pretty rough. We had little time to think much less prepare. Big Dallas had to make a decision to leave us here in Oklahoma and PCS to Georgia, find a home for us to live in , get things ready in the new house , then leave us in a matter of months that turned into about 14 months. (did you get all that?)

When your first child graduates high school and then moves out to start his own life all in 1 month things really make you think. But hey I am truly happy in the young man he has become. He has a beautiful girlfriend that keeps him in check and he seems to enjoy his new job. (would have liked to see him in the Navy, but you can't have everything) . I just hope that everything that we have tried to teach him and share our experiences and take it to heart. He is a great son!!

Christian has decided to hang with his friends this Summer, that's fine with me. He's helping with Abbi as I have started a new schedule at work.

Abbi has been involved in her Cheerleading this week, so that is one way to move this slow Summer along.


So now we are off to another year without my husband. Big D started a new job and will be in Kuwait for another year. This is so that Christian can stay here and graduate with is friends and not have to worry about starting over in a new state(like we are so use to doing every 3 years) I believe that this year will be full of surprises and great rewards. But there is one thing I do hope for and that this year goes by fast. I miss my Best Friend. When you are married for as long as we have been and have traveled to many places together, it's just not the same. You learn to make friends outside your spouse and that is hard as well. But I think that being picky is ok. I know who my friends are and they know who I am.

Well for my first ever blog, I think this will due for tonight.

Take care my friends